But if the person being visited does shame-clean, it isnt about the state of cleanliness when visitors arent there. I interpreted the person youre responding to as talking about the idea that your house has to be pinterest-worthy before guests can enter it, which I resonated with. Absolutely. I'm trained as a counselor. This might just be me though, I come from a conservative latinx household, so even the thought of constantly being over at someone's house is a bit uncomfortable to me. Advance notice gives us time to put on Social Face (brush hair, brush teeth, put on clothes that dont do double duty on a scarecrow or Halloween decoration, plus whatever tidying up around the house/shame cleaning we feel compelled to do) and to sort out our work/chore schedule around the visit. I am right there with you! :-) UPDATED: So I had a conversation with my friend about something else, and it came up in conversation and she invited us, so we're going there. Potluck I need to bring an homemade dish to? It works pretty well . Maybe there are sub-groups within the group that function well together, and the person is only inviting one particular sub-group. *deep breaths* In my poly case, my fraughtness has mostly been with my partners wife, but my partner and I could have had the same sort of issues earlier on in our relationship its all about transitions from guest to almost-cohabiting family, and about where people are comfortable with the relationships going on that scale. Additional awkwardness if I have company already and didnt invite the drop-inner. Show up with boyfriend to events that are pretty obviously not SO friendly (girls only brunches/nights out) Would you be up for that? Here is how I think of this in my brain, if I am making plans I am always attempting to make plans to 1. Well, then, I accept! I grew up in a neighborhood where everyone was always dropping by each others houses all the time, and I HATED it. But I wanted to say it isnt as simple as saying people with anxiety must have hated that prior culture. The closer you are the more you can get away with, but some people wont like it regardless. Then she would get an answer thats specific to her local culture. Wait until you know him better. This is hugely fraught partly bc of things like anxiety disorders but partly bc a lot of people in this category have repeatedly suffered derision, dismissiveness, ridicule etc from friends and family many times in the past. You may get his favorite game and invite yourself over so that he can show you how to play. Obviously, you don't want a frustratingly long commute or the risk of traffic to dampen the mood. I would definitely be shame-cleaning my bedroom if I was anticipating having someone in it, but the rest of the house its just cleaning. I called her up, hey, Id love for you to come, havent heard back, let me know. Im certainly going to be packed and ready to go, but it tends to be easier for both parties if they just call me when theyre there, or even when theyre getting close so I can get to the curb and wait without having to then find out that theyre stuck in traffic and are going to be 15 minute late. I really really hate it when people use cultural differences as a convenient excuse to behave badly.It makes me feel like it's my fault for not knowing how things are supposedly done in this country. CONGRATULATIONS YOU HAVE MADE PLANS TO SEE A FUNNY MOVIE. I didn't mean for it to come across as an invitation. Eventually the pursued individual just grows weary of all the unwanted attention, and starts responding sharply (if they respond at all) when the other person wont gracefully take the hint and back off. Which goes to show how very individual the boundaries are. When can you ask again, if ever? Whereas I would be absolutely fine with a call or a text from the driveway but ringing my bell without warning runs the risk of sending me into an anxiety spin. It was a slight point of contention, because she had to put in unavailability requests (and had her rosters) two months ahead, whereas Im lucky to have my roster a week in advance. *and also fishies* Don't just say, "I was thinking I could come over on Friday." Its shame cleaning for me, because although I have battled my way out of squalor, my day-to-day living situation is still a good few degrees below what most people consider lived-in levels of clutter. The more open, "drop in", and casual an event is, the more likely it's fine if you invite yourself along, or just say you're going to show up. Perhaps its an issue of having strong boundaries, not sure. In some cases, it might intimidate the guys, since in this situation you are the one leading the dance. Not saying its bad if you are closer friends with Chip compared to Dale, but Id say one of the key points of friendship is showing your friends that you like them and want to spend time with them. Id advise you to take dropping by her house uninvited completely off the table. His dads Belgian and his mums Irish and he grew up in Ireland but went to university in Belgium and hes been working in Austria for the last five years but he spends a lot of time in Ireland and I have NO IDEA which version he was using and I dont have his phone number!. Usually I like things planned out in advance and double or triple checked. A friend of mine lives there and I dont get to see her that often. Or even the clock on the hosts wall being a couple minutes slower than the one in the guests car. If youre running late, it should be up to you to text them. Finally I think he invited you because he might want to spend a few good times with you like watch a movie or maybe he wand to do the next step to kiss you or just tell you he likes you or something. I suppose that depends on how long youd been with each other and how comfortable you were if it was a very new relationship I would be kind of focused on presenting my best self and maybe thrown by a date who showed up while I was still getting ready. And mine is people that wont stop by even when theyre in the area, even if they are driving right by, even if they have nothing pressing to do, JUST because some people think its rude. Thats allowed too. (Nearby happens alot, because the supermarket is right across the street.). It may not be rude to you (and certainly is less invasive than just showing up), but as the comments here make clear there are a whole lot of people who dont like it when a friend invites herself to their home. Answer: Fundamental Rule of Life: "Ask and ye [she]shall receive." But be careful what you ask for. I wrote letters. Me: Option 1: Ummmm okay I guess. Option 2: I dont want to do that *explain why*. It is like the puzzle Geordi wasnt allowed to send the Borg ship. Surely thats just cleaning? To me it reads a bit like the way that some people think all eating is shame-eating: like, in an ideal world, we would all just exist on sunshine and oxygen, and would be beings of pure air and never need to wash our clothes or our living spaces, and any need for calories or the removal of dirt is something to be ashamed of. So when I want to go hang out with him Ill message him (skype, steam, facebook, or text) and say hey is x date/time ok for me to come over and we can watch really amusing horror movies (we find scary stuff to be very entertaining). Is it the same rule? I have a friend that makes me crazy, because we have interactions like this: Friend: Hey, are you busy next Saturday? He only ever is here for 15 minutes and hes been my husbands friend for more than 20 years so I dont feel as if I can be as agressive about my boundaries as I normally am. Thats what my partner says (the part about the very casual social culture with BBQs and fishing.) Also, that not getting an invite isnt actually a reflection of your friendship with someone nor is it proof that youre a horrible bad person that no one will ever love. Housemate observed that I probably wouldnt come if I wasnt sent an invitation. In desperation, I basically self-diagnosed as autistic and followed the advice I found on the Internet I just started to straight-up name what I saw and ask about it. How to Get Over a Guy You Had a Crush on Guys are simple creatures, but it can still be frustrating trying to get them to do what you want. Mind you, mine is always early so Ive never had a chance to try this but it could work. Wait for me to open the door and join you. Why view it as a personal offence? Yeah, there are lots of reasons somebody might feel like they need to clean for hours to have people over. Often the person will say oh keep doing what youre doing, I wont be a bother but having somebody else in my house is not relaxing or conducive to me doing things I was in the middle of doing. Once, I answered the door, lights out, my girlfriend and I in pajamas and on drugs and, Im really high right now and was not expecting you, was not enough to deter about 45 minutes of awkwardly hanging around the living room answering curious questions mixed with small talk. Speaking as the sort who on occasion has that freshly-baked-pie thing happening, I can offer reassurance that I and the vast majority of my ilk do not care if your house is not like that. Its why some older houses on real estate listings have reception room in addition to lounge. But I cant quite think its rude to be five minutes early. But in Small Town, on the rare occasions when it wasnt a good time for hanging out, no matter how low-grade, it was very hard to say that in a socially acceptable way. dont surprise anyone in their sanctuary As to your otherquestion, about how you andother people in your life seem tointerpret time and intent differently around invitations,In the near future, Soon, Later,Sometime, all mean different things to different people, and this also varies widely as to region and culture. Saying Hey, Ill be dropping by in about ten minutes! is not asking, that is demanding. So I think it has a context where its useful. ". I never quite mastered the maintenance part of cleaning, so having people over is a BIG DEAL. Sometimes, the people issuing invitations have just screwed up. I love her dearly but I need more notice than wanna go out in an hour? I dont mind being asked because sometimes I do wanna be spontaneous but I also probably will say no most times and would like to not have to be in the position to have to constantly be the naysayer. Its harder to say no than yes, so phrasing the question in a way that they dont have to say no makes a huge difference. If Im doing my stuff and dont have the emotional currenncy to make awkward small talk with an acquaintance in the street Ill darn well duck behind a tree and hide. I have one friend who was particularly egregious about this (oh, you invited your boyfriend to a brunch? Let's say a friend mentions that they are going hiking over the weekend with their roommate. Also door-to-door scamsters, like the kind who would find my grandmother alone at home and give her a long high-pressure spiel about a fake charity until she wrote them a cheque for thousands of dollars. You know this, I'm sure . Apparently he was known for it, and it was about the only thing he was known for because hardly anyone actually knew him that well. And thats really the hard part. People actually try to invite themselves on your vacations? Ohhhhhhh yeah. To dinner at not even my house, but my PARENTS house. Do they seem loose and easygoing about these kinds of social rules, or are they more proper and formal? This house is my safe zone. You want to leave open the lines of communication, but otherwise treat her as you would a casual friend you were getting to know for the first time. Unfortunately, it has also become increasingly common for burglars (disguised as solicitors) to case a home by ringing the bell to see if a residence is unoccupied. About three weeks out, I did a last run through the response list, and figured out that one friend who I had been discussing the wedding with had never responded. Does she ever reciprocate, either by visiting you or by explicitly inviting you? 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